The Disaffected Seminary Experience

Perception is an interesting thing. It's amazing how you look at everything in the world a certain way, and it all makes sense. Unfortunately, the world doesn't make sense, and that's why I look at all of the aspects in my life in a different light.  For example,  attending seminary from a disaffected Mormon  perspective  is   not only captivating, it's amusing

Throughout my freshman year of seminary,  the lessons have centered around church history. Had I been attending seminary two years ago, I would've found it dull, but it would've been  something I needed. Now though, I still find it dull, but it seems useless to me. It's just mind blowing to learn something at 6:00 in the morning, go home, and find out that only 4% of what you learned was true. Throughout the year, I've kept a recollection of things experienced in Seminary that many NBM's (Non-believing Mormons) would disagree with.

• How inspired the prophets were to not give women the priesthood so men could learn to bless women and women could learn humility to receive blessings from men.
• Joseph Smith and Brigham Young thought that slavery was wrong.
• The Catholics are wrong for revising things in the bible (but Joseph Smith revised the Bible).
• If faith should ever clash with science,  the science is wrong.
• HIV/AIDS  is the punishment for homosexuals having sexual relations with other homosexuals.
• Marriage should be like going on a mission. The junior companion (wife) should do whatever the senior companion (husband) says.
• Hurricane Katrina was sent by God to destroy the evil city of  New Orleans.
• Joseph Smith was sent to Liberty and Carthage Jail for false charges.
• If you don't get married in the temple, Satan has corrupted you.
• If you stop attending Church,  Satan has corrupted you.
• If you begin questioning the teachings of the Prophet, Satan has corrupted you.
• Parley P. Pratt was murdered for no good reason.
• Other churches all have the devil in them; the LDS doesn't.
• Asking who watched General Conference, then telling the one kid who didn't that he can't feel the spirit without watching General Conference.
• Go on a mission no matter what, even if you have to go into debt to finance it.
• The Second Coming is going to occur very soon,  in this generation, and if we don't keep the commandments then all of the bad stuff described WILL happen to you. (Flies, maggots, etc.)
• When the Second Coming occurs, sinful industries such as Hollywood and Starbucks will be destroyed.
• General Authorities are not paid at all.
• If  you are 15 and dating you are going against the prophet and God is not pleased with you so you can't feel the spirit.
• When someone sees God their hair turns white (Like Tom Monson when he became an apostle).
• Free agency means you have the freedom to do what the prophet says, but when you don't do what he says then you don't have free agency...uh...right.

Trust me, there's plenty more, these are just the highlights of what I've learned in Seminary.  Judging from what I've learned, I'm pretty well  corrupted by Satan. Most of the things posted above I learned from the Bishop himself, so I taught him a few things.  Apparently, Joseph translating out of a hat and having multiple wives were concepts unknown to him.  By the way,  the second name for the temple is not The International House of Handshakes,  it is indeed "The place of worship." Obviously my perception of seminary is "corrupted by Satan," but at the end of the day,  who's getting the better education,  me or my fellow classmates?

   

Comments

[Abner Doon]

Great post, BD, and quite a list of sadly backward ideas. I'm guessing your teacher would be mortified to know he/she's got a closet skeptic in class. Mormons usually restrain the parochial "us vs. them" talk when they know someone might call them on it.

I've seen some of your posts over on FLAK, but didn't know you were still in high school. I'm getting out at a relatively young age, but to figure it out before college and a mission is pretty unusual--if it's for intellectual reasons, anyway. All I can tell you is if you're tired of hiring about how everything outside Mormonism is corrupted by Satan, please, for the love of God, don't go to BYU.

[Abner Doon]

Oops, that's "hearing" not "hiring" in the last post.

[Mayan Elephant]

BD,

Niiiiiiiice Work Dude.

My only advice would be to enjoy this. Rarely will you ever have a class when you can question so much and secretly not conform. Soak it up.

Keep staying one step ahead of the class and the teacher.

[wry catcher]

Barking Dog, you are AWESOME! This post made me shake my head AND laugh out loud. My personal favorite is the senior/junior companion model of mormon marriage. Oh my god, that is too awful and yet funny at the same time.

I especially like the acronym you've coined for NBMs - I actually think this is more accurate than NOM as a label for a lot of the 'belief-challenged' saints still on the LDS treadmill.

Good luck with seminary, dude. Seeing as how you've already been corrupted by satan, why don't you just get some extra sleep instead? I didn't graduate from seminary myself (and you should see the sad mess my life has become because of it ;-), but I did get 'honorable mention.' Heh.

[ungewiss]

Barking Dog, you're obviously a lot sharper than I was when I was in seminary. Though you've probably already thought of it, let me offer this advice: Don't throw out the baby with the bath water. You've discovered the dark underbelly of your religion, but don't allow that discovery to push you to the polar opposite of all things Mormon. The Church is deeply flawed, but those old white-haired men really do have a good idea how one might live a happy, productive, meaningful life.

I wish I had known in high school what you know, because I think I might have distinguished earlier between "Church goodness" and genuine goodness. Hold to the latter!

[Mayan Elephant]

"I wish I had known in high school what you know, because I think I might have distinguished earlier between "Church goodness" and genuine goodness. Hold to the latter!"

Wow. Excellent advice.

I suggest, BD, taking that to the next level and not assigning the "Mormon Badness" to all religions, all forms of spirituality or to all people.

Sure there is rotten stuff in the Church. It is rotten that you are not told the truth and that you are not debating with your peers in an environment where facts and truths are not trumped by feelings and tradition.

Fortunately, there have been many like you that have risen up and dedicated themselves to improving their community and their world despite having similar forces working against them. The civil rights movement is a great example. The reformation, though packed with its own issues, is another great example.

I am sure that with any effort you can find contemporary examples of people that find a way to coexist with contradictions and improve their community and their own lives.

Ironically, you are having a more meaningful experience in Seminary than any of your peers. Move to the front of the seminary class pal, you deserve a seat there and they deserve you.

[-Domokun-]

Barking Dog, I am encouraged that someone as young as you can figure it all out. It gives me hope for my own children who are younger than you are.

As others have said, just because the mormon church is mostly full of crap doesn't mean there aren't good things done in the name of religion throughout the rest of the world. I think the flaw comes when you see something good from one group, and therefore think that everything from the same group must also be good.

You may have heard of the term "cafeteria mormon" as one who picks and chooses what they personally feel is good from the church. But there's no reason to not also be a cafeteria Buddhist, cafeteria Methodist, and a cafeteria Human Secularist all at the same time. If you like the rolls at Luby's but the deserts at La Madeline, there's no reason you have to be content eating all of your meals at Denny's.

[Lincoln]

Nice post BD. I enjoy your perspectives. Keep up the good work. A guy like you will make a Seminary teacher actually earn his paycheck. The trite, superficial model of mormon indoctrination surely hasn't contemplated teenagers with a deep knowledge of the new mormon history. In fact, your situation exposes the institutional flaw of keeping their own seminary instructors in the dark with only a correlated knowledge of the gospel themselves. Sounds to me like their only response to your hard-hitting questions is "You've lost the Spirit." How lame is that? I'd love to sit in class with you as your teacher pitches you softballs and watch you hit 'em out of the park, every time. Man alive. Keep smiling BD, you are an inspiration to me as I attempt to teach my own children about the sordid details of their religion. Keep up the good work!

[Sister Mary Lisa]

Wow, Barking Dog. I am greatly impressed by your list and your writing skills as well. I went to early morning seminary too, and it was something I barely remember now.

I couldn't help wishing you were a student of our friend RTC (from Otterson's On Faith blog threads from the Washington Post) who is a seminary teacher who doesn't particularly like me much. But I like you too much to wish HER on YOU.

:) Keep hanging on, BD.

[Arizona Awakening]

Wow BD that is good stuff, compared to me you're genius. I fell for the story as an adult and then wised up.

SML, I read some of your comments on Otterson's blog, good stuff. Way to make your points and give it back to someone with access to the Profit of TSCC.

[Sister Mary Lisa]

AZ, thank you. I don't know why I don't just avoid that Otterson blog, but I can't seem to resist at this point.

[Randy]

Most excellent list, Barkin Dog.

Hey, if that Hurricane Katrina thing ever comes up again, you might want to say that if God sent the storm to destroy the evil city of New Orleans, then God must have pretty bad aim. All of the supposedly wicked parts of the city came through the storm intact. Oh, and the LDS Church had to demolish two of its chapels.

[Juggler Vain]

Those are good points, Randy, but they only work if you ignore the fact that the wicked don't prosper in this land, and Katrina quite effectively decimated poor areas. They were the ones with lifestyles supporting most of the sinning on high ground, right? That must be right because God has perfect aim.

[kaycei]

The big thing I learned in Seminary (church history year even) that falls under your list was:
People with dark skin are cursed.

That was when I pretty much stopped paying attention in Seminary.

[Todd O.]

Damn. I wish mine eyes had been as open when I was 14. But I was so desparate for something to hang on to, for some kind of meaning, that I just dove right into all mormonalia I could get my hands on. My freshman year of Seminary was the year of the 1984 New Testament music, which did bring tears to my eyes. Of course, I was just starting to understand that I was gay and totally freak out about it, and my parents were completely unavailable emotionally or in any other way due to their own shit, so I bought into it.

I do remember, however, feeling that Seminary was, if you'll excuse the un-PC term, retarded (very 1980s way of saying uncool). The teacher was so manipulative, trying to get us to have feelings and to cry all the time. Even though I was TBM, I thought it was stupid and insulting. And I also was kinda into Jesus, so I remember feeling like the teacher skipped over all the ethical stuff in the New Testament to harp on sin and atonement.

Anyway, BD rocks for being an awakened little chap. Cheers.